Keepin it real #3:The Friend Zone

Here at Kenyan Guru you know we are all for tech news and all that but once in a while there are just some very important that do not fall into our usual conversations in what I like to call Keepin it real.It being Friday I am sure some of you have already started plotting about the various set of adventures you have planned for the day and the weekend,but of late I have noticed that there is an increasing amount of people who are unaware of the Friend Zone.To put it simply this is the place where I am sure everybody has been in where you want a certain kafemale/kangarl/shorte/kamwari/kasupu to be your gal but instead she says that your friendship is just too dear to her in that she loves you like a brother and she just doesn't want to hurt your feelings and so on.By now am sure we are all on the same page so now we can get the ball rolling fast.To those of you still in the dark get yourself a kabundle and download a movie called Just Friends

Now that you are all up to speed how can you pre-emiptively avoid getting trapped in the friendzone?

Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

Things to look out for;

-There is a lot of talk about previous relationships

-You never argue

-You are always in the company of 3 or more of her friends(1 out of these 3 usually doesn't drink and is usually sober no matter the occasion

-She calls you her best friend

-She says she loves you like a brother or even worse a little brother

The signs are many and so now once you discover what is afoot you will obviously ask yourself what to do next and here are a few things to start you off;

The reverse friendzone

Whhhhhhyyyyyy!!!!!!!

You have to be extremely quick to accomplish this one and all it entails is a basic role reversal.Alot of douchebaggery must also come into play.One way of accomplishing this is by taking an extreme liking to her friends and also other girls she does not like or hate.This drives home the point that your confidence knows no limits and can reach very arrogant levels when need be.

The hanging tough

Gonna make it

The All In

Or you could hang in there and wait to see how things go.The outcomes are many,you could be BFFs forever and on your birthday you always know you are going to get a gift,and on hers you will do the same,you could end up together and live happily ever after(yes,its possible,haha),or worse you could end up together and make each other miserable and you will have acquired a very dangerous enemy who knows all your secrets and weaknesses(can't you see how worried Chris Brown is)

The riskiest and best option in my opinion,whip out your machine guns and storm into her heart bringing hell with you,no mushy romantic stuff,just lay all the feelings on the table and let her decide.The All in has to be done in the most bad-ass way possible because if it fails and you get shot down you need to land on your feet like you are so badass you can sleep walk on the moon

YEAH

3G Wars,still needs more momentum

OrangeKenya launched their 3G network this week and although the public was eagerly awaiting somebody to topple Safaricom from the 3G monopoly,they still have a long way to go if they wish to even put a dent in Safaricom's data market.It looks like we will have to wait for Airtel to launch their network maybe they will have a better chance of shaking some branches.
The orange modem will retail at 6999/= compared to Safaricom's 1999/=(current offer).The orange modem will also be available for 3500/= at Orange caravans.

At the moment Orange are not offering any unlimited data bundles but here is a price list of orange and safaricom bundles.

Safaricom

Data Volume	Price (Ksh)	In Bundle Price  (Ksh Per MB)	Out of Bundle Price (Ksh Per MB)	Validity Period
50MB	100	2.00	8	30 Days
200MB	250	1.25	8	30 Days
500MB	499	1.00	8	30 Days
1.5GB	999	0.65	8	30 Days
3GB	1,999	0.65	8	30 Days
4GB	2,499	0.61	8	30 Days
8GB	3,999	0.49	8	30 Days
20GB	9.999	0.49	8	90 Days
30GB	14,999	0.49	8	90 Days

Orange

Data Bundle	Price (Kshs)	Pay as You Go Offer	IEW Modem Cost
50 MB	100	Ksh 4 per MB on pay as you GO down from Kshs 7 per MB	Kshs 6,999
100 MB	150
500 MB	500
1 GB	750
5 GB	2,750
10 GB	4,990
15 GB	5,990
20 GB	7,990

The truth about unlimited broadband is that you are most likely not getting it.

I remember a time when it used to take half a day just to download an mp3 from the internet,a task which these days takes seconds which is happily welcomed but another problem is that ISPs have gotten into the tendency of advertising services which rarely come to pass.These days having a broadband connection is no longer something left for the wealthy and ISPs are taking advantage of this by putting very sweet and convicncing words in their advertisements just so they can get a larger market share.


Unlimited
Like telling someone you love them this term too is being thrown around a lot by ISPs and like a pick up line they float this around a lot.Of the various ISPs and bundles I have used very few have offered a true unlimited broadband experience.A few examples of those that don't are Zuku and Safaricom who offer unlimited broadband but limit the speeds.Zuku fibre users are well aware of this in that when you download a certain amount of data within an hour or two the speeds are cut by around a fifth or sixth.Lets say you are on the Imbps service,if you download around 500 mb in an hour the download speed will reduce from around 120KBps to 30KBps,it resets in around 2 hours.This is very understandable in that they are trying to protect bandwidth wastage which makes sense but if you are going to limit speeds at least put inform people of this or put some terms and conditions in the advertisement.Safaricom also recently launched a weekly and monthly unlimited data bundle costing 1000/= and 3000/= respectively.Speeds for this bundle are capped at 256kbps but since this is from Safaricom I am not surprised.I always laugh when Safaricom advertise that they are cheapest 3G network in the country,what kind of rubbish is that and they are the only 3G network.Nice one safaricom,Kenya Power is also the cheapest and most reliable electricity supplier in the country,I am also the richest human being in my bedroom.OrangeKenya's 3G+ and Zuku,s Wimax are the only true unlimited broadband services I have ever used.The problem of 3G+ is that the availability is limited and the speed is slow in congested areas.

Speeds of upto XMbps
This is a favourite of 3G and 3G+ ISPs,they give you the speeds they attained when they were testing the network and they know very well you will never attain these speeds in the domestic setting but those figures look very nice in those full page advertisements in the newspaper so never take those figures seriously.

Connection time
This is something Zuku frustrated many new broadband subscribers with,it is not your right to be connected in moments but the ISP shouldn't lie and keep you waiting thinking that every knock on your gate is them.

More problems with Safaricom 3G

So I recently bought a Safaricom 3G modem because I was tired of waiting for Zuku to bring fibre to the crib(network like the wind Zuku,we need that net).I sadly parted with 3000 to pay for it but at least I got 300mb free(it didn't even last me 4 hrs,I surf like a mad person,16 pages at once).So I thought I'd give the Bamba Unlimited a try so I parted with another 1000 to load up the bundle.So I surfed the whole of Saturday and I was pretty impressed because I was sure I had passed the 300mb limit and I was shocked at how fast it still was.After I passed the 600mb mark the modem disconnected itself and when I hit up the customer care line 100(its been a while,didn't know they got some automation to answer the phone,so as soon as it answered the phone I started talking to it,took me a while to notice it was a comp) and got no helpful info so I hit them up on twitter only to find that I wasn't alone and many more people were experiencing the same thing.Apparently they introduced an offer recently that offered 100% more on the limited bundles which is now interfering with the Bamba Unlimited.Why?because they use the same number 450 i.e texting 999 to 450 instead of giving you 300mb and unlimited 32kbps internet(blazing fast speed if the year was 1994) it gives you 600mb limited internet.Now am no software developer or rocket scientist but you want to tell me that no one noticed the numbers were the same before they though this offer up,I mean seriously safaricom you guys are just taking us for fools now,you really thought no one would notice.I am by no means a person of conspiracy theories but this just stinks of corporate gameplay.You noticed that people rarely exhaust their bundles before getting new ones so you decided to unleash this 100% more offer(notice that in a characteristic safaricom fashion they draw you in with the big numbers i.e 100% more of 10 is 20)so that more people can get the bundle and not notice that they have taken the wrong one,and then you make the offer only a month long(wow,as in seriously only akina Scooby Doo would fall for such crap).Another thing that makes me angry is that no one else in the country have 3G and so their milking us dry while they still have the time(before you comment,what Orange have is not 3G,its EVDO,its like 3G but it isn't).Since I know am not the only one angry the comments section is open for all who want to insult Safaricom,no restrictions,let your angry heart free!

3DTV and the Nokia N8,why Im not impressed

So the Nokia N8 has finally been announced and Safaricom were quick to advertise it in their usual style of full page ads with a price tag of 40000 bundled with 300mb of data which is quite fair and am sure will be a hit for a few months until people finally realise how Nokia completely missed out one vital component crucial to calling a phone a smartphone.One of the mistakes Nokia made in the past is not pushing for app development and now they are struggling to get attention from African developers who are more interested in app development for Apple and Android and I would not blame them.Nokia never fail when it comes to producing a phone with excellent hardware but they always fail on the software.At this junction a Nokia phone never crosses my mind when am thinking of buying a phone.The symbian platform despite being one of the oldest and most used mobile platforms still doesn't bring much to the table.The Ovi Store is just filled with apps that feel clumsy and rushed like they were made just to fill the store with apps so it doesn't look empty.In all honesty Nokia should just dump the symbian platform and go with Android.Im talking from an experience stand point since I recently bought a second hand Iphone 2G and on some days I don't switch on my computer cause I handle everything from there.Another silly thing Nokia are doing is saying they are focused on the African market and yet Ovi Maps doesn't even have the Kenya map.The Iphone would have been more popular if it was being sold by a more serious network such as safaricom,you may hate them for being ridiculously expensive but they know how to do things right.Orange are just wasting the Iphone4,you cannot sell a device that is 80,000 ksh factory unlocked for 60,000 ksh with a 2 year contract of 5,000 ksh per month to then have it be used on an EDGE network.Using an orange locked Iphone is just an embarrasment.You suck Orange Kenya
In other news Sony just launched their line of 3DTV products in Kenya and I was thinking to myself,who is really going to use this,we still even haven't migrated to HDTV yet 

Keepin it real #2:Kenya in the year 2020

In this post am going to give you detailed information about how life will be 10 years from now.
-Zain after being bought by Bharti then AT&T,then Verizon,Then most recently by Tigo will be sold to Safaricom(yes in the future safaricom also wins)
-Buying shares will become the in thing since land will have become to expensive
-The average speed on Thika road will be 150 km/h
-The government will then spend 200 million kenya shillings installing speed cameras on thika road,in 2 weeks 30% will have been stolen and 40% will have been vandalised because they contain special lenses(valuable on the black market)
-Due to succesful registration of sim cards,kidnappers will have resulted to using wire transfers to offshore bank accounts instead of m-pesa(as a result 5% of Kenyans will move to Switzerland and the Cayman Islands)
-Chris Kirubi will still be Dj CK
-Safaricom will release new sim cards that are to be placed anally,statistics will show 45% increase in reception
-YU aka Essar due to lack of income will close down in a manner similar to GTV,the helicopter will depart at 2100hrs carrying only the board of directors who will have by then successfully shredded all the evidence.Workers will report to work for the next month and stop when they realise they aren't getting paid.
-Bribes will become legalised and will be reffered to as facilitation fees.
-Members of Parliament will increase their salaries to 5 million a month,Raila will says its is unfair 3 times and then stop
-After legalisation of Chang'aa more illicit brews will pop up each more simple in ingredients than the next.The current one is basically just maize and kerosene mixed with sugar cane water,this one makes you deaf.usage by married men is up 4000%
-There will be a public outcry over people who died on the phone waiting to talk to Zuku Customer Care.Zuku could not be reached for comment,the line was busy.
-Pesapal will add one website to their list of supported websites bringing the number to 3
-KPLC will be completely privatised and then immediately bought by Safaricom,Charges will be per consumption and off- peak time will run from 6:00pm to 6.05pm.Usage of other amenities such as piped water at the same time will lead to increased cost.Also all electric posts and transformers to be painted green.
-Mombasa becomes independent of Kenya and becomes part of Uganda
-Toyota brakes become completely faulty,Toyota replaces brake pedal with another accelerator pedal that makes the car go in reverse,Toyota says problem solved.

Do not copy anything on this post,you are free to link to this page if you like.I don't know if I can copyright this post but if I can I have!!!

Keeping it Real #1:Why local internet content will likely never grow

Every time I read the newspapers and watch the news I hear people complaining of how the fibre optic was supposed to change things but nothing has happened.People thought like the fibre optic cables were like huge pipes of oil straight from the Gulf or wherever oil comes from that would feed our growing need for internet but one thing you fail to understand is that it is a 2 way channel for upload and download.Even if a fibre optic cable is connected to every single house nothing is going to change,the international content still comes from those few cables that are stretching across the ocean and the only way to reduce dependence on them is to grow the local content.Local content means more Kenyan websites and more local file sharing and utilization.Sites that garner majority of the local browsing include facebook,twitter,youtube,e-mail providers and majority of bandwidth is also taken up by torrents.Now the problem with Kenyans is that;
1.Websites are never updated,a website is made in 2008 and never sees the touch of a website designer again until the owner decides to rebrand the site or money for web hosting eventually runs out an the site is taken down but still on people's business cards you will see those www.mwangibiz.com or www.kimaniprosperous.biz which are just pictures and words pasted together by an ameteur web designer out to make easy money.Corporations are the worst because many never update their websites at all which defeats the purpose of a website anyway.
2.Very few Kenyan websites are original,some fellow fresh out of Methodist Univeristy or Zetech College will decide to make a website and all he really does is just take the concept of an international website,slap on some Kenyan flag colours and add in some kiswahili words and bingo you have a website that might even show up in the Daily Nation being praised for its innovation,RUBBISH!For example pesapal.When I first saw the site I was quite excited but one year later the site has not changed one bit and still lacks purpose,I mean why would I sign up to have an online currency manager only accepted by two shopping sites which were clearly made and owned by the same person.Pespal to me is a guaranteed failure and a perfect example of my 2nd point.Another one is the various online bidding sites which are too numerous to mention and are all clearly rip offs of ebay but with usually absolutely no sellers or bids put up by the site owner.
3.Majority of the local web hosts suck or are just international web hosts who are accepting payment by m-pesa which really doesn't help the local situation at all

Okay after all the ranting you need some solutions,here is the low down.If you want to set up anything money based,forget paypal,visa and even making your own I don't know pesapal bullshit!M-pesa won when it comes to virtual money handling,deal with it.Safaricom is going to be shagging you,your children and everything else that lives for money so just deal with and maybe buy some shares and make maybe make the shagging a 3some.Also we don't want another facebook,youtube,paypal or ebay clone.Mmesikia!!!no more surachat,onavideo,patapesa!!!you get my drift!!Also if you want to make a company website and don't feel like hiring a website designer to keep it maintained just install wordpress and make it yourself,12 yr olds own wordpress blogs so it shouldn't be too difficult.The take home message is safaricom suck,and their competition suck even more,kwanza zain!